Hi. I love you all. Am also struggling major with this keyboard, so goodbye 124 wpm, hello 9 wpm. Can’t figure how to do enter, which is AWESOME. Or not. So sorry if this is the strangest formatted email evaaaah.
                 

August 6-7
  No tears (on my part), just hugs, peace, & excitement. Exactly as I prayed for. Have I mentioned God is good? Aka the BEST?  All the elders and sisters are so sweet and funny. As we flew out tonight, the valley edged by deep, beautiful darkness, we saw the Salt Lake and Draper temples. Quelle symbolism! I thought. And as we flew into Guate, the sun started rising, a growing streak of color slowly lighting the night.  God officially owes me zero cool symbolism/omens the rest of my mission. We land in 20 - time flies when you're having fun? Even more so when you're making terrible puns about flying. *** That sunrise is like perfectly straight. All's I'm saying is are we maybe all too harsh on the poor what’s its who though the Earth was flat?? #deepimportantquestions. I keep putting this dang journal away and then whipping it back out again. I've just seen the smoky silhouette of a mountain and it is one of the most delicious things I've ever seen. I'm here. Lights in Guatemala! Dawn in Guatemala! Mountains in Guatemala! BIG FREAKING FLUFFY CLOUD IN GUATEMALA. Houses in Guatemala! If the rest of the day is anything like this, this journal's going to be full by the end of it. Not stoked, pumped, excited, ready, happy - all those things, certainly, but most overwhelmingly, blessed.  Greeted in the airport by the "What Makes You Beautiful" music video. BienveNIDOS! *** Overheard at the CCM (Guate MTC) "Later, I'm going to crash." "Maybe later you'll be blessed."     Miserable and exhausted by end of day (because being up for 48 hours is the worst?) but a quick prayer with mi companera Hermana Brewster (Looks like Baby Spice, is from Idaho, is ridiculously sweet and I love her) before Prep. and all was well. But manana will be AMAZE, right?   *** Just as we were turning the lights off, it started raining in the hall, full deluge. Nothing like a flood to bring Latinas and Norteamericanas together! There's a kind of major separation between the Latinas and the Norteamericanas, because we have separate classes, separate church meetings, etc., etc., because of the difference in time at the CCM and language. But can I say this in a non-cheesy way? I love everyone. Like to do el mundo. Also everyone is loving helping everyone else out and people are never what you think they are. (Aka the beautiful frigid Latina in our room is not frigid after all, but warm and sweet. I was shoving suitcases on top of the closets as the flood seeped in and suddenly from behind came an extra pair of hands and a smile and a laugh.) Things like this over and over and over and OH CHEESY VALLEY. And I love the CCM because the Provo MTC is far too pulled together and prim to ever rain from the ceiling, I'm quite sure. Just sayin'. RUSTIC CHARM RIGHT HERE. Also I just remembered that I JUST prayed right before the flood for increased love for everyone and do you SEE the sappy ode to todo el mundo I just wrote? #GODISTHEBESAT #alsoHerocksforpointingoutHisawesomenesstome  *** The What of the gospel: The Atonement, the Resurrection, Judgment Day, Faith, Charity, Repentance, Baptism, Eternal Joy and Salvation.  The Why: To cleanse people so they can receive His mercy. "For behold, this is my joy and salvation, that ye might have eternal life." Or something. The Why of this gospel is to balance the eternal law of justice with the eternal law of mercy. God is playing by eternal, unchangeable rules, and this is our straightest shot to eternal joy.
                                                         

 August 8

Today was fantastic. I absolutely love my district. We sing hymns TODO EL FREAKING TIEMPO and it's the greatest. Somos ADORBS. Even if I knew how to say it in Spanish, adorbs would still be the right word for it. Nuestra maestra, Hermana Chavez is also totally the best teacher in the CCM. Nbd. And she's such a sassmouth, I love it. Hermana Brewster and I taught Daniel for the first time tonight. He works in the kitchen as a chef in the afternoon, goes to university in the morning, and came to us because his 15 year old brother is going down the wrong path and he wants to be a good example to him.  His spirit is SO sweet, and I mean that in the most over whelmingly sincere way possible. It was so hard to trust my companera in the lesson, especially when I'd only just met her. In a situation where, really, everything rides on it, I get scared. Because I don't know what she'll say, simply because I don't have control over it. (#controlfreakmuch?) But I'm already learning to have trust and be willing to hand the reins over. Anyways, Daniel is absurdly adorable and open and I really, really pray we can bless his life and his family's.

 P.S. My Spanish is already coming along amazingly, so thanks for the gift of tongues, I swear. I don't know this much Spanish, but when I need it, I do.

 P.P.S. The desserts here are AMAZING.
           

 August 9

 It sounds so silly, but this is already the best thing I've ever done. Today was...phenomenal. Let's do this: Our second 2 hour meeting was amazing; my favorite part was these 3 videos that were just about 3 women from NYC telling their stories - not members, not about the Church, or missionaries – just about their lives, their joys, their trials. And at the end of each video, we were asked, " What do you love about ____? How do you think God feels when he sees her?" That's it. It was so beautiful and positive. *** Our district sang a lot today, surprise, and tonight we all taught Daniel again! Each of our lessons built on each other, spirit wise, and each companionship came back feeling progressively better. We all talked together in between, and by the time Elder Uribe and Elder Wilson went, they were like, we WILL get him to pray, this is what he needs. Because we all asked Daniel to pray at the end of our lessons and he was like, no, no. They came back whooping and dancing and he said a beautiful prayer, they all cried together, and he asked them to have us all pray for him tonight. LA IGLESIA ES VERDADERA. Then we all sang a hymn (que sorpresa!) and prayed together, kneeling in a circle. Cannot say enough about the power of the Spirit, the power of prayer, the strength in unified numbers, and the power of faith and persistence. I don't know if I've ever been so sincerely stressed and nervous in my life as I was for our lessons tonight - when it was not my own happiness and peace at risk, but another's. But I also don't know if I've ever felt such pure joy and love as I have tonight. I've come close, but this? This is why I'm here. To see amazing children of God like Daniel find, in his own words, peace, as he comes to Christ. Have I mentioned? LA IGLESIA ES VERDADERA!  (Best prayer in mi vida tonight.)

      August 10

 For every amazing thing about yesterday, today...lesson after lesson bombed, and Daniel just got more and more confused and cynical and you could tell he wasn't feeling the Spirit. But this night got better, and I love love love my district and am incredibly grateful for them. Now more than ever. So, we're all stressing in the classroom, talking – what went wrong, how can we help him feel the Spirit like he did yesterday, what made today so different? We tried so hard, we felt so much love. As we're all anxiously talking, dear little Elder Uribe is pacing, all stressed about his and Elder Wilson's lesson, which is last. And finally, he goes up to the whiteboard and writes neatly, as everyone frets, "Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard       Tis not so, all is right.     Why should we think to earn a great reward        If we now shun the fight?" and wrote beside it, with a smiley face, "Don't give up! :)"  Which more or less made my day. & we're singing "Mas Cerca Dios, A Ti" ("Nearer, My God to Thee") in Sacrament tomorrow because our district = MoTab. The end?  *** And I've never heard this in my life, but I've been told twice today that I look like Adele. Think it is the middle part, big hair, prim dresses, and major cat-eye. So you win some, you lose some!

August 11
For Sacrament meeting, everyone prepares a talk, and then after the Sacrament is passed, they announce a speaker from each District. Can anyone say Hunger Games?? Also called Adele again today, JUST SAYING. Sunday her eis so relaxing and edifying. Last night, Hermana V. was sobbing in her bunk, and all the other Latinas, one after another, over and over, quietly said wonderful things to and about her. That she is strong, that she is sweet, that she is in the right place, that she is loved, that she is an incredible person. Almost a soothing chant. It was so beautiful. I love our Latinas always, but especially then. And they all just knelt in a circle and each one prayed after the other. I am so blessed to be at the CCM with such faithful sisters. And we did splits today with the Latinas and my companion Hermana Avilar was sweet and amazing. In the name of Jesus Chr WOAH. Too much CCM!

P.S. I've stopped biting my nails! Nothing cures a bad habit like fear of disease. #ancientchineseproverb.

P.P.S. You may have noticed mytennis shoes are still sitting happily on my shoe rack. It'll be cheaper for me to buy some here than for you to send them, so just give them love and affection and tell them I'll return to them someday.

P.P.P.S HUG MY DOG FOR ME. LIKE ALL THE TIME.

August 12
Me gustan deportes y...me gusta que Daniel is coming to church on Sunday and will pray if he should get baptized and he knows the church and the Book of Mormon are true and it's NO. BIG. DEAL. So so so happy for him. Also today was terrific fun and I have I mentioned I love the Hispanos? I love them. (Except when they turn the lights on at 5:45, let's be honest.)

August 13
My district: we sing all the time. Pyper does magic tricks, Stuart Little makes his precious jokes, then sits there grinning, Wilson and Uribe exchange boy stories, Godfrey makes sweet dorky jokes, and Hermana Chavez presides over us all, nearly hiding her smile. Also the Latinos convinced one of the elders that "caballo" means stupid. So he's been going around, going, "you're so horse!" I LOVE THE LATIONS.

MTC Devotional with my favorites Apostle ever, Elder Richard G. Scott! (Live streaming from Provo, and I just saw Matt Lutz in the choir!) Daniel is here, he asked if he could come, and I am praying so hard that he will feel the Spirit. ELDER SCOTT IS TALKING ON PRAYER TONIGHT. How did you know, Elder Scott? This, I think, is exactly what Daniel needs to hear. Elder Scott would wait til his companion fell asleep, go out of earshot, and pray out loud - he'd literally talk to God because it made him feel closer and I LOVE HIM. "I turned the gas down. I got into bed. I said some words to the close and holy darkness and then I slept." – Dylan Thomas  

Now Elder Scott's talking on ASKING IN FAITH, "according to your faith it shall be done unto you" ??? The Spirit is too amazing. "Blessed art thou...for thou hast inquired of me." Doctrine and Covenants 6:23. Ye'es. For Daniel y mi. "Did I not speak peace unto your mind concerning the matter?" Doctrine and Covenants 6:23. Also he's sharing a GUATE STORY. It's nooo big deal.  He blessed, with apostolic authority, those who are learning a language, that they will have the gift of tongues, and Brewster looks at me, crying and smiling, and GOD IS SO GOOD. She needed that.  So many actual special spirits in our district and I am so grateful for everyone and especially for how sweet and sensitive Elder Uribe is as our district leader. Really grateful for his leadership and love. Grateful for Elder Wilson's family tradition of complimenting the person who gives the prayer, and him, for passing it on to us, because it makes our district prayers really lovely. DANIEL TOLD HNA.S FUNK Y GODFREY AFTER THE DEVOTIONAL THAT HE WANTS TO GET BAPTISED. God is amazing, have I mentioned? I am so happy for him, and I pray he sticks with it. Con amor y agradecida, Tabby

August 14

The Guatemala City Temple is beautiful and I love it. I love my district. And I loooove P-Day. ME GUSTA. So...Hna Brewster and I had an amazing lesson with Daniel. So simple - we said we were so proud of him, bore our testimonies of the power of baptism, expressed our joy, and had him read Matthew 3:16-17. He bore a simple, beautiful testimony, said a beautiful, sweet prayer, and we all cried and the Spirit was SO strong.

P.S. The accordion door brand here is "WONDOOR". ME GUSTA.

 

August 15

We have a new maestro, Hermano Cano, and he is so sweet and funny. MARIACHI BAND at lunch for the CCM president's birthday. Also a huge, beautiful, amazing cake. It was SO much fun. The CCM is the best is all I'm saying. At night the Latinas & Nortes in our room exchange lists of words, and the hour before bed is filled with English and Spanish flying back and forth, "man-dah-me-entos", "eeee-male".

 

August 16

It makes me crazy that we're always inside! GIVE ME MORE TREES OR SOMETHING. (And please keep the fig tree at the CRE lab because I love it, k thanks.) Really great day, though. So Elder Pyper learned how to do magic tricks for the kids here, which is too precious. We're all crowded around his and Elder Stuart's desk as he does a card trick. The door starts to open, the cards disappear, and Elder Stuart looks at the book in his lap and reads the first thing he sees, saying woodenly, "The bishop, who is the leader of the ward, lives near here." Hermano Cano grabs a notebook, walks back out, and we all burst out laughing. I promise we're really actually quite good. Usually. I love them, love them, love them.

 

August 17,

The gate man just handed two steaming cups of that amazing chocolate-rice-cinammon-milk stuff through the gate, to the guards, all smiles. The mornings here are so nice, by the way. I love them. Also was reading Enos 1:1 and I totally want to raise my children like Enos's father raised him. There's like nine squillion little kids here, some kind of stake primary activity, and they're coming through, shaking all our hands very professionally, beming. "Hola!" "Hola!" "Hola!" It makes me feel so proud, like I'm a missionary. These little kids look up to all of us. It's like my heart is made of sunshine. They are SO CUTE. "No nation will rise above the caliber of its homes."

 

August 18

Missing you guys and London, too, like mad today! But I am so excited to be here, and I'm excited to carry Guate in my heart the rest of my life; to take my experiences and joys here with me. It rains all the time and I love it SO BLOODY MUCH. I spray my perfume in my hair because then you always leave a faint trail of eau de awesome behind you. (Thank Beyonce for the trick.) The Latinas in our room saw me doing it and asked why, and the most ridiculous, hilarious pantomime ensued. And they still don't know what I was saying, so now they think I'm crazy. Nbd. Sundays are SO edifying, have I mentioned? Also we watch a lot of movies, so today we watched The Testaments and also Legacy, and sooo cheesy, but I think we're all just so happy to be watching a movie, period. THERE'S EVEN KISSING IN LEGACY! woot woot!  And it still makes me cry even when it's SO DARN CHEESY. Darn Spirit. And guys. This is all so much bigger than we can ever imagine. Have faith, baby. And I love my district. HAVE I MENTIONED?

 

Welllllll I love you people! Be good, be safe, and be grateful for U.S. food that doesn't give you the runs every ten seconds. And be grateful in general because we are lucky, lucky people, and we have each other. I miss and love you guys! Xxx your favorite sista missionary.

My Farewell

Hi there again.

Less than six days to takeoff!

See you soon, Guate.

 

If you missed my ravishing farewell talk, voila.

(Disclaimer: It's not actually ravishing. Maybe just plain ravishing, not bolded.)

And if you were there - thank you and I love you and thank you! And you should read it again. Because you love me?

 

THIS was memorized. Because it seemed weird to be reading, "I'm very nervous" from a piece of paper.

Hi.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Tabitha Brower, soon to be Hermana Brower, and I’m very nervous.

Much less about my mission, much more about my talk. If I sound like a robot, I’m sorry! I think if I don’t stick to my script I’ll just melt into a little puddle of public-speaking anxiety.

THIS was not. Because I'm not a memorizing machine, you guys!

 I leave in a week and half for the Guatemala City MTC, where I will prepare to teach the people of Guatemala City. I’ll be sharing the gospel, which I love very much and think is awesome and you should check it out if you like eternal joy and finding your purpose and being with the people you love forever. I’ll be proselyting - going door to door like a salesman, but with something AMAZING to share. Not a vacuum. Or … bug-bombs. I’ll be sharing the knowledge that everything works out. I’ll be teaching, doing community service, and helping strengthen people and families and wards. In addition to these things, I will be falling in love with the people, who I've heard are incredible, the food, and the country. I will be missing my dog and big, crazy family, and praying my knees off.

Bishop Flake asked me to pray and speak on something I felt inspired to speak on. I’m a little ashamed, but I was hugely relieved – like personal revelation would come so easily to me. He hit my pride right out of the park by adding a simple caveat: “To speak on something I felt the ward needed.” I’m a pretty confident person, but in that moment I felt painfully inadequate.

As I’ve tried to prepare for my talk, it’s occurred to me a few times that I should look at this challenge not just as the first of many mission trials, but as an opportunity to learn a valuable missionary skill – the gift of praying for the needs of others. In a very short time, I’m going to have to talk on what other people need to hear Every. Single. Day. Bishop also asked me to share how I decided to go on a mission, so I’ll do that first. Friends and family, if you’ve already heard this story a hundred times, feel free to take a cat-nap.

I was in either Belgium or the Netherlands in a hotel with thirty other girls, most of whom were 19 and 20, when the news broke about the missionary age change. We’d been on the bus all day and hadn’t had a chance to watch General Conference.  The second we got Wi-Fi, we got on to … the church website.

No, Facebook.

We heard about the boys, first –they could now serve at 18? Crazy! Then came the posts about the sisters, and it spread like wildfire through our hotel, girls running from door to door, girls gathering in rooms to talk for hours.

 

After hashing it over with my friends, I went back to my room, took a long bath, and prayed fervently – I wasn’t planning on serving a mission. When I was young, I had been sure I would, but within the last few years I had just thought, well, maybe. If I’m absolutely supposed to. But with the age change came new responsibility – I needed to find out if I needed to go.

My only answer that night was to stop stressing and go to sleep already.  My answer the next night was the same. My answer the third night was, “No, seriously, breathe.” After a week or two, thanks to plenty of stroopwaffle and mad amounts of travel, I forgot to be so stressed about it.

At Thanksgiving, I Skyped with my family. My cousin looked over her shoulder, then whispered to me, “I’ve started my papers. My mom doesn’t even know yet.” I was surprised and excited for her, but as soon as I logged off, I felt the weight of indecision. My cousin, who’d never expressed a desire to serve a mission, was starting her papers. I needed to figure this out already.

The prayers started full force again, and nothing came. “If I’m supposed to go, I will,” I begged. “Just tellll me. I just want to know.” I told my friends a million times, “I want to do what I want to do, and I want to do what God wants me to do, but I don’t know what I want to do and I don’t know what God wants me to do!”

On January 26^th, three and a half months after the call to serve was extended, I got my answer. My cousin and I went up to Park City to catch the last bit of the Sundance Film Festival. The day before, her letter had come – she was called to serve in the Birmingham, Alabama, Spanish-speaking mission, and so that day, all we could talk about was missionary work.

We talked and talked and talked about her call, and missions in general, for hours. It wasn’t too unusual – obviously we’d talked about it a lot since October, but something about that day was different. That night, quite late, I went home, said a quick prayer, and cracked open my scriptures. I was on a spiritual high, and was determined to get something good out of them tonight. I started reading the first verse of whatever chapter it was, and I couldn’t process a single word. I felt –very strongly –that I needed to read my patriarchal blessing, so I pulled it out of the back of my scriptures and set to it.

And I just knew. Exactly as I’d been praying for for three and a half months –which is an extremely long time for me to pray for something. I’m not exactly known for my patience. I had prayed and prayed and prayed to just know, and finally, without theatrics or a booming voice or even a still, small voice, I did. I finished reading my blessing and without knowing how it came or at what point,

Can I emphasize this enough,

EXACTLY AS I HAD PRAYED FOR

I JUST. KNEW.

It was one of the most simple, profound moments of my life, and I knew that by morning I would doubt it. It had been so quiet and simple an answer that I knew I would reject it by the reasonable light of day, so I grabbed the nearest piece of paper and stuck it to my magnet board. It would be the first thing I saw in the morning, and on it I wrote one word: “YES.”

The whole experience, to me, seems a pretty apt metaphor for testimony.

Just as some young sisters heard the call to serve and knew right away that this was what they were meant to do, there are people who seem born with a testimony. When you’re not one of those people, as I felt especially about these eager sisters, you can’t figure it out. “They know? They just know? HOW?” But they do. They just do.  They rarely doubt, they feel like they’ve “always known”. From Day One, the truth is incontestable.

For most of us, it takes time – a lot more time than we’re comfortable with. Whether you’re from the immediate-gratification generation or not, growing a testimony often sorely tries your patience. It takes not giving up, it takes constant prayer, it takes humility. It takes leaning on a Lord that you’re sometimes not even sure exists and saying, “I just want to know.” And swearing to act on whatever you find out.

It’s hard, it’s really, really hard. But as I discovered when I finally knew that I needed to go on a mission, it feels so good. Both my call to serve and my testimony have brought me peace. Both have brought me purpose. Both have brought me courage.

As hard as it is to grow a testimony, it’s even harder to act on it. I think I’m about to find that out big-time over the next 18 months. But even though I know it’ll be hard, knowing it’s where I’m supposed to be makes all the difference. Go after a testimony and a knowledge of the truth relentlessly, and don’t stop til it’s in your hands – once you know this is where you’re supposed to be, it makes all the difference.

I am terrified and thrilled to be going. I’m already homesick, I swear, yet overwhelmingly excited to meet the country and people God wants me to meet. These are paradoxes, but so is everything. Contradictions, right now, make sense.

I know that God is flesh-and-bone, and that He is our Father. He’s not mystical or imaginary; He’s not just an idea. We can become like Him in every sense, which is an incredible blessing, and we have a duty to step it up. I know that Jesus is the Christ, and that He died for us – every comfort in this world is a direct result of His Atonement.  I am so grateful for the Spirit in my everyday life. My big and small decisions are made infinitely easier by the guidance of the Spirit.

To my family – all of you – I know I never stop talking, but my gratitude for you is beyond words. To this ward – you have been my family since I was eleven years old, and I love you canyon folk dearly.

I am so grateful to be going to this incredible place, to give this incredible people the best gift I can think of. I am so grateful to know that this Gospel and this church are true, and I testify that a testimony of the truth is worth it in every way.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

 

Just a few of my fantastic amazing friends who I love and are fantastic and amazing, did I mention?

 

 

The Church is awesome and true, guys! Talk to you right before I leave, but for now:

Adios.

xxx

Tabby